Why I Would’ve Won the Debate
Not that I would want to run the country. I wouldn’t even try to run a Waffle House of a turnpike exit.
Let’s also assume I make all the rules and format.
The Economy
Whose presidency led to a greater economy blah blah blah. Americans underestimate themselves. We are home to Oceans 11, 12, 13, and 8! A few calls to the cast and I’ll help facilitate a robbery so grand it will absolve all our debt. I don’t know what country we should rob but George Clooney can sort out those logistics.
“I know you are but what am I?”
If my opponent calls me a name or insults my leadership skills, I’m throwing this heat right back at them. What are they gonna do then? Cry? Cry like a little baby.
The Border
Remember when borders were like, rivers or mountains or something? That was some Lewis and Clark shit. Way cooler! Then we got lazy and states all started to look like squares. Louisiana is shaped like an L, love it! Colorado? I don’t even care enough to look it up. These borders are the first problem.
Unemployment
At least there’s more time for arts and crafts? What the hell do you want me to do? Dumb question move on
Trump fucking a porn star
Trumps like a Wolf of Wall Street guy, id be confused if he didn’t fuck a pornstar. I would say, “stop and own it, queen!” Biden’s son is the undeniable chill guy Hunter… a crackhead often pictured in a jock strap surrounded by hookers. My statement would be, “what’s the move this weekend?”
Golf
During the argument about golf, I would seamlessly steer the conversation to a more appropriate sport: Tennis! It’s Challengers summer after all, and if I have to pull a Tashi Duncan with these two men to make the country better, i would. Because I believe in the American Dream.
Killing myself on stage
If anything goes horribly wrong I think it’s comforting to have an escape plan. What are they gonna do now? I think I would win by default. But id be dead so I don’t care.
The Lipsync for our Lives
To end the debate, we would employ the ultimate test of drag excellence. These men are old. Im not saying Im americas next drag superstar, but I would kill a performance of Million Dollar Bill by Whitney Houston while my adversaries shake in their boots as they forget the words.